


Up The Duff

by Useful_Oxymoron



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adventurers, Established Relationship, F/F, Potions, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:09:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24339421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Useful_Oxymoron/pseuds/Useful_Oxymoron
Summary: Two witches are about to take a potion which will lead to the conception of their first child. So why is Hermione stalling?
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Bellatrix Black Lestrange
Comments: 8
Kudos: 190





	Up The Duff

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Turandokht](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turandokht/gifts).



Evening had fallen and it was fast approaching midnight. All those living at Black Manor, be they servant or master, had gone to bed right now. However, in the master bedroom, two witches clad in sexy undergarments were seated upright in their bed. Unlike usual, sex was the furthest from their mind, however.

Bellatrix and Hermione Black were staring intently at a glass vial containing a brown liquid. The vial was labeled 'Stork-in-a-bottle' and had a rather comical cartoony stork wearing a racing helmet next to the title.

“Rather unfitting for such an important thing,” Hermione let the vial roll in her hand.

“What is?” asked Bellatrix.

“That stork,” said Hermione, huffing slightly. “It looks like it came straight out of a Roadrunner cartoon. Not that I expect you to know what that is, but it's just... it's a poorly chosen logo. Companies should know that having a child is important to a lot of people. They shouldn't make fun of it.”

“I don't know,” replied Bellatrix. “Gallows humor can do a lot to lighten the mood. Back in Azkaban, Antonin and I joked about snogging dementors all the time. We always wondered if they did tongues.”

“It's just classless, it's what I feel,” Hermione muttered.

Silence. Hermione turned to look outside through the French windows: it was a clear night, a full moon and the air balmy. A perfect night to start the next adventure in their marriage... a lovely romantic night to conceive... She looked at Bellatrix and her wife looked a bit uneasy, glancing at the clock and seemingly lost in thought.

“Maybe,” Hermione started. “Maybe we should read the instructions again.”

“Again?!” snorted through her nose and rolled her eyes. “We both drink half of that, we fuck, then one of us gets up the duff! How hard could it be?!”

Hermione huffed and unfurled the scroll. “Look,” she pointed at a scroll about three foot long filled to the brim with writing. “That wouldn't be there if it wasn't important. List of side-effects... Nausea, diarrhea, dizziness, smoke coming out of your ears, smell of the potion might attract spiders. And that's only the first few. Apparently, it can also be used as a frog repellent!”

“Pet,” Bellatrix huffed. “They have to put all those things in there for legal reasons because people who are a lot stupider than we are also buying it. Look here: 'should never be used as a contraceptive'. Well, duh!”

Hermione sighed. “I'm just... uh...”

“Look, if you don't trust the potion, we could do it the old fashioned way,” Bellatrix said. “Plenty of witch-couples wanted to have a child in the olden days. Before this potion existed to make it easy.”

Hermione scrunched up her nose. “Wait... how?” she replied. “Surrogate father?”

“Pffft! No!” Bellatrix rolled her eyes. “Just pick a reasonably good-looking bloke with the kind of genes you want, fill a turkey baster, pick one of us and, hey presto, up the duff.”

“That's... that's horrible!” Hermione gasped. “What about the poor man?”

“It's alright,” said Bellatrix. “He just gets obliviated afterwards. If you want to go that route, we should just head to any cafe at Diagon Alley and scope out the streets for good breeding stock, just like the sapphically inclined witches of old used to do.”

“No! We're definitely not doing that!” Hermione crossed her arms. “No man-hunting, no scoping, no obliviating and definitely no turkey basters!”

Bellatrix shrugged. “There's another way,” she grinned. “Another classic. Simply find a recently born muggle-born and steal it from their parents. Then bribe someone at the Ministry to falsify the records.”

To say that Hermione's jaw dropped to the floor would be an understatement: it had crashed through the wooden floorboards and was all the way down in the basement. “Oh, you're pulling my leg, Belle.”

“Oh, no,” Bellatrix chuckled. “Where you do think the changeling myth comes from? They usually transfigured a ghoul or a gnome into a baby and left it for the muggle parents. Almost every pure-blood family has done this in the past. Well, except the Blacks, of course. But we could be pioneers and be the first in our family history!”

“Jesus...” Hermione groaned and let herself fall back onto the pillow.

Bellatrix chuckled. “I have a better question, pet. Why are you stalling?”

Hermione leaned on her side and gave the bottle to Bellatrix. “I... I am, aren't I? We've been talking about it for months and now...”

Bellatrix snorted, crossing her arms again. “Do me a bloody favor and never turn thirty again!”

“That's rather the point,” replied Hermione. “Maybe I'm just overthinking it. What if it's me? What if it's you? Will there be complications? What if the potion doesn't work? What if one of us in infertile? What will our child look like? What will she be like? ”

“Or a he,” Bellatrix pressed.

“How?” Hermione asked. “We don't have a Y-chromosome between the two of us.”

“It's magic, don't question it,” said Bellatrix. “You of all people should have learned that by now.”

Hermione took the potion again. “The child will be ours. Purely ours, but... if we drink this, there's no turning back. I'll be conceiving tonight. And that's terrifying”

“Or I will,” Bellatrix said. “It's 50-50. You think I'm comfortable with that?” Bellatrix said. “Because I really am not. Not any more than you do.”

“Yes, I'm worried, but I also want it,” said Hermione. “I'm not getting any younger.”

Bellatrix' response was to give Hermione a rather bemused raised eyebrow. “Oh, my heart bleeds for you!” she finally huffed. In response, Hermione had a hand through her curly hair and over the skin of her back.

“Is that why you agreed to it so readily to start a family?” Hermione asked softly. “When I first brought it up, I expected so much more... resistance.”

“Because I'm a difficult, stubborn, hot-tempered, infuriating contrarian who's impossible to live with?” a twinkle came to Bellatrix' dark eyes. “Your words, not mine.”

“Belle.”

“You're thirty. I'm fifty-eight,” said Bellatrix. “It's far more of a last chance situation for me than it is for you. We've traveled the world and the seven seas together. We've made some amazing discoveries, we've transcribed magic thought lost to the ages. We've danced in the moonlight with magical creatures thought extinct and we came back to England bearing fame and fortune! We've had enough of a rest and it's time for our next adventure, don't you agree?”

“My, my,” Hermione chuckled. “Bellatrix Black has a romantic soul after all.”

Without saying a word, Bellatrix pulled the glass cork out of the vial and poured half of it down her throat. She overtly swallowed and handed the bottle to Hermione. Hermione took a last look at the potion and put it to her lips. Like her wife, she swallowed it overtly. Bellatrix swiftly tore the bottle from Hermione's hand and threw it over her shoulder. Somewhere in the room, it shattered into a million pieces.

All her doubts now gone, Hermione pressed her lips against Bellatrix' and kissed her, gently laying her down on the bed while a practiced hand moved to undo the clasp on her wife's lacy black bra. No further words were spoken: the two witches swiftly found passion in each other's arms.

Tonight, in this beautiful, clear and balmy night, a new life was about to be created.


End file.
